The shipgirls you want
by The Ferryman
Summary: ...aren't necessarily the ones you get. The USN's newly emerging kanmusu are a problematic bunch.
1. Chapter 1

Admiral Parker looked up at the knock on his door. "Enter."

The door immediate opened and his aide stuck his head in. "Professor Bannister is here, Sir."

"Send him in."

Franklin Bannister was mid-thirties and already bald, which he compensated for with a thick, magnificently groomed beard. He wore an unbuttoned tweed coat, an L.L. Bean shirt, and blue jeans that had picked up an oil stain that was recognizable for its newness among the older, more faded signs of wear. He was also the closest thing the US Navy had to an expert on what the Japanese called kanmusu.

"Admiral," he said in a nondescript baritone. "Are you busy?"

"Nothing you can't distract me from," Parker said wryly. "An accounting of our _kanmusu_—" he knew he was mispronouncing it, but the hell if he was going to call them 'shipgirls' "—to date."

Bannister nodded.

"The rate of emergence is increasing, but sporadic, and most of them have…issues."

Bannister merely sat back in the chair on the far side of Parker's desk. "Meaning?"

"They're bughouse nuts," Parker said. He lifted the report from his desk and flipped back a page. "There are three fatalistic PT boats in Kingston that are hitting up every tattoo parlor they can find in search of one that will tattoo their hull-numbers—"

"That was actually a thing," Bannister said. "For a couple of crews in some squadrons at least. That was before we heard about what was going on in the camps, mind. And they're PT boats. Fatalistic is pretty much their stock in trade unless you have them doing brown-water work. Tell them to pack lunches, I can't count the number of times I've read about one running out of gas."

"Wahoo has all the signs of PTSD."

"Are you surprised?" Bannister asked. "Her last commander got the navy cross despite machine gunning lifeboats needed by allied POWs."

"Tang is self-harming, and Vestal is concerned it may go from cutting to more overt self-destruction."

"Mark eighteens," Bannister agreed. "It happens."

"There is a nihilistic U-boat that emerged in Chicago."

"I'm told they can be like that."

"The Japanese's aren't," Parker noted.

Bannister shrugged. "Their subs are—"

"'Lewd?'" Parker asked, recalling the official type description on the report of Japanese kanmusu.

"Fucking weird," Bannister said, drawing a snort of amusement from "Theirs were built to scout and harass warships when everyone else was building them as commerce raiders, or at least ships that have no real reason to be anywhere near combat. A normal sub is a fucking _ambush_ predator. Offensive, _solo_ offensive, operations are about the only thing they're good for. The rest, radar pickets, picking up downed airdales, jerry wolfpacks, that all came later."

Parker nodded as he waved the report again. "The International Red Cross has reported that Pueblo is being held by North Korea."

Bannister blinked. "Pueblo?"

"Pueblo is a spy ship captured by the Koreans in the late sixties," the Admiral sat back.

"That's new," Bannister said. "Real new."

"Second-newest emergence to date," Parker said. "Which I'd be happier about except the North Koreans are denying they ever had her. This after a half-century of her as a floating museum and tourist attraction in Pyongyang."

"Okay," Bannister said.

"I also have a message delivered through the International Red Cross from Belfast."

"Belfast?" Bannister asked. After a moment more he queried, "a frigate?"

"Tacoma-class," Parker confirmed. "One of the ships handed over to the Soviets as part of Project Hula."

Bannister nodded slightly.

In addition to herself she reports the Russians holding four landing craft, two floating workshops, and the minesweepers Admirable, Marvel, Mirth, and Penetrate. The latter three," the Admiral's voice turned wry, "reconfigured against their will and forced into duties that were not in alignment with their lawful orders. Belfast _also_ reports rumors that Palisade is alive, though the Soviets told Belfast that she was sunk by a mine in August of 45."

"Is she? Emergence of wartime losses—"

Parker shook his head. "This is _Belfast_'s report via the Red Cross. The Russians aren't saying anything. Not outright denying it like the Koreans are, mind you, they just aren't saying _anything_. As for Palisade, that story about a mine is what they told us when we first started asking for the ships to be returned, but after the cold war research showed she remained on active duty until 57."

Bannister made a face. "Lovely."

"Three destroyers. Taylor, who apparently _deserted_ the Italian Navy, somehow evaded her way across the Med raiding France and Spanish for food along the way, then solo'd across the Atlantic before putting in at King's Bay and requesting asylum as a refugee."

"Okay," Bannister said. "The Italians cannibalized her without even bothering to _decommission_ her first. There's bound to be some issues there."

"Reed is missing her lower legs," Parker went on. "Constructing prosthetics for a," his face twisted into a grimace, "_shipgirl_ is more problematic than reconstructing a new stern for a non-kanmusu destroyer."

Bannister winced.

"And finally, Stewart is demanding a court martial for desertion, taking up arms against America, and providing aid and comfort to the enemy, sixty-one counts of murder for destroying USS _Harder_ and her crew, and treason."

Bannister let air rush out between his teeth. "Yeah. I have no advice for what to do about a ship that was sunk, raised, and recommissioned by an enemy. Maybe get someone over to Japan and as Nagato for recommendations?"

Parker scribbled a note. "That's not actually a bad idea. The parallels aren't the same, but it's a starting point."

"And after Tsushima the Japanese kept a bunch of Russian ships, they even ended up selling a few back to the Russians later. If any of those came back it might be a talking point you can use to get the Russians to open up about Belfast and the rest."

Parker scribbled another note. He looked up, and when Bannister didn't offer another suggestion he returned to the report. "Indianapolis has all the markers for autophobia and galeophobia."

"She's afraid of being alone?" Bannister asked. "Stick her with a task group and call it done. The Japanese and Brits both say destroyers are excessively friendly."

"And the part where she's afraid of sharks?"

Bannister shrugged. "Can you blame her?"

"No," Parker admitted. "Guam has type dysphoria. It doesn't feel like a cruiser, but it's fairly certain it isn't a battlecruiser. It definitely certain that it isn't a battleship, for whatever that's worth. And it is a bit uncertain about gendered pronouns."

"The hindrance of the English language," Bannister said. "Call the Brits and see if one of the Outrageous boats is willing to talk about how they handled being rebuilt at carriers. Shinano, if it has shown up, same deal. Hmmm… Ise-class, or one of the Lexingtons if they ever show up." He shook his head. "Maybe if one of the early turreted ships came through it could help, but in all honesty that ship would probably need more help than Guam. Sorry."

Parker shook his head. "Not your fault," he said gruffly. "Olympia has requested a front-line assignment."

Bannister blinked. "A _modern_ sub?"

"I'm not talking about the sub," Parker said dryly.

"Oh," Bannister said. "_Oh_. Uh… Find her duties other than war? Frontline, make her…the kanmusu staff representative out at Pearl? Assuming you don't keep her here, of course."

"We did manage to summon three carriers," Parker said. "Wolverine—as if I could use her at all—insists that she can't operate outside of fresh water.

"Bunker Hill—actually, we got both CV-17 _and_ CG-52, which is the first modern _combat _kanmusu to manifest. The _Ticonderogas_ are of purely nominal use against abyssal fleet assets, but we've shown that the modern boats can dominate air battles. Unfortunately, they are feuding over their collective name and bell. Both are refusing to sail without them, or if the other one uses them first."

Bannister pursed his lips. "And the other?" he asked hopefully.

"Franklin," Parker's voice was flat, but not at all harsh, "has been diagnosed with major depression, and oppositional defiance order. She is…massively unhappy with her last captain and the Navy's handling of the situation, and her crew are…problematical. We don't know _how_ they are problematical."

"Has anyone tried talking to them?"

"The crew of an Essex is almost 2,600 people. Too many for any one person to interview in a timely fashion. And while the fairies can make themselves understood on an audible basis, writing reports is another thing entirely. We actually sat them down with tiny typewriters and have a tidy little stack of reports that, individually, consist of the repeated word 'hey.'"

Bannister winced.

"And if that wasn't enough, she got into contact with Indianapolis. She's outraged that her captain wasn't court martialed. And Indianapolis is equally mad that hers was."

Bannister sat back and caught his upper lip between his teeth as he thought. "Y'know, Admiral. During the second world war the United States, in particular the army, had the highest rejection rate for psychological reasons of any of the major combatants? It also had the highest psychiatric casualty rate."

Parker made a face. "Thank you so much. That makes me feel loads better."

Bannister considered the admiral sitting across from him. "Admiral, my obsession is naval history. That's why I'm in this chair and you're in that one."

"I think there is a bit more than that."

Bannister shrugged. "Flat feet. I was never going to get a chance to sit in that chair."

Parker started to reply, but then merely shook his head.

"The United States, historically, has never gone into war with the army it needed. It had to learn to make do with what it had to build what it needed. The same could be said, in a lot of ways, for the Navy. Now, I wouldn't argue that what you described is anything like an immediately useful force mix for the missions you have to fill. Maybe you need to come at it the other way, find missions for the ships you have until some of the, uh, deficiencies can be corrected."

"That," Parker said, "is a good point. A _very_ good point, in fact."

"If it helps, I think I know how to summon Wisconsin."

Parker sat up in his chair and leaned across his desk. "You can get one of the _Iowas_ into the fight?"

"I think so, anyway," Bannister said. "It'll take a beer—a _good_ beer, mind you—a brandy old fashioned—"

"What is this, a bartending scavenger hunt?"

"—a mint julip—"

"How is _that_ relevant?"

Bannister reached up and tapped the side of his nose. "For her old _Kentucky_ nose, if you will."

Parker grimaced at the terrible pun. "Okay, we can do all of those."

"You're also going to need Packers season tickets," Bannister said. "The waiting list is, unfortunately, almost thirty years long."


	2. Chapter 2

"Let me see if I have this right," Little Rock said. "You retired the _Perrys_—nice design by the way. The first was still being built when I retired the second time. Shame I never had the chance to serve with one of them—so you decided to build a replacement. Actually building a replacement capable of all the jobs you wanted it capable of doing was too expensive, and buying a bunch of different ship classes the same, so you decided to build a modular ship that could be modified for specific missions. Do I have that part right?"

"Pretty much."

"And you did this all because your attempt to build a replacement destroyer resulted in a ship so capable, and so _expensive_, that a 32-member class was reduced to only three. And despite the cost of designing, proofing, and _installing_ two brand new and very capable guns—_and_ ammunition for them—that the cost per-round for those guns was so high it was decided not to buy any, leaving them with just their missiles. _And_, I note, that 80-cell missile capacity is a ten percent reduction of the first flight of destroyers they were intended to replace. Is that correct?

"Never mind. I apologize for the segue. Something that happens when you get old, your mind goes places. Actually building all these mission modules would have been _more_ expensive than building your one really capable ship. And since they'd be mostly sitting in storage it didn't make sense to actually make them, right? Which means that for all intents and purposes you have a bunch of smaller, less-capable ships that you spent money to engineer to be modular, but that isn't a capability that is used."

"Well…"

"I'm not finished," Little Rock said. "You wanted them small enough and cheap enough that you could order a bunch of them…okay. I get that. You also weren't sure which design you wanted so you ordered one of each, okay. This makes sense so far. But then you went on ordering both classes."

"Ah—"

"That wasn't actually a question," Little Rock said. "My question, and this is important so I want you to really _think_ about it before you answer because I'm not the only one who is going to be asking this. What the devil was being thought when it was decided to give _my_ name to a toibotte?" A finger jabbed out and USS _Little Rock_ (LCS-9) strained against her mooring ropes to avoid it.


End file.
